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Happy Valentine’s Day
“I was going to give you this when I got home from work, but I decided you might have already hanged yourself by then.” -Dad (An Alex and Ani bracelet my dad gave me today. Yes, that’s an adult, human...
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LA Woman
I have some fun news to share with you all today (just as a warning, it really only affects me, so feel free to just start skimming at this point). I’m moving to LA next month with my friend, Jillian...
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Free Lucy Elizabeth: The Saddest Nancy Grace Twin
Poor, little Lucy Elizabeth seems to have figured out that she rode the vagina water slide into a cruel universe that would bestow upon her half the DNA of Nancy Grace and half the DNA of a man who...
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I’m Not Saying Jennifer Lawrence Fell On Purpose…
…but do you think that fall was maybe a little too likeable? Sure, I want to be her best friend, and duh, I’ve been replaying that quick shot of her during the “We Saw Your Boobs” song like a GIF in my...
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The Parent Trap: Featuring Guy Fieri and Anne Burrell
Guy Fieri and Anne Burrell look like they’re playing the fraternal twins in a community theater production of Twelfth Night. On second thought, I’m pretty sure these two were born from the same sun...
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Should We Be More Worried About Quvenzhane Wallis?
I think I’m doing enough worrying for all of us, but what will become of Q. Wallis and her puppy purse? Wait, though. What was in that purse, anyway? A Lip Smackers chapstick and a baggy full of dry...
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5 Things You’re Doing on the Internet That Might Get You Killed
Sometimes I think it’s my mission in life to make sure that everyone is both adequately worried about all the things that could go wrong in their life and how to avoid it. I’m a living and breathing...
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How Mom is Adjusting to Life Without Me
Since I’m no longer on my mother’s couch watching the Jodi Arias trial when my mom gets home from work everyday (instead, I’m on my couch in LA watching the Jodi Arias trial when my roommate gets home...
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The Problem with My New Apartment
I have spent the last year of my life wishing I could move out of my parents house to sunny, beautiful Los Angeleez. Three weeks ago, I finally did that, but in true, miserable human being-like...
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My Tinder Criteria
My friend, Gabi, has recently gotten me obsessed with the dating app, Tinder. The way it works is you sign in with Facebook, it shows a couple of your profile pics, and people can either “nope” you or...
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Finding a Job
Hey, you know that kinda recent episode of Girls where Hannah goes middle-class-white-girl crazy and shoves a Q-Tip in her ear due to the stress of having a book deal? If that’s normal and soooo...
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5 Signs That You Just Moved to LA
You stare at any thin person wearing sunglasses trying to figure out if they’re a celebrity. And you know what, often times it is a celebrity! Other times it’s the woman from the Wendy’s commercial!...
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5 Clues That You Might be a 55 Year-Old Divorcee
I have come to terms with the fact that I am, at heart, a 55 year-old divorcee with adult children too busy to visit me. And I don’t know if you know this, but it’s a huge week for middle aged ladies....
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Leave Kim Kardashian’s Armpits Alone!!!
Though I’ve never been a fan of Kim’s, I suddenly have an overwhelming sense of compassion for her armpits and the armpits of women in every grocery store in America who are being subjected to this...
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Could You Do Me a Favsies?
Hey, friends! I feel like in the last two years that we’ve known each other I haven’t asked for much from you, but I was hoping I could cash in a little favor… I humbly ask that you consider nominating...
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Winning: Denise Richards
The twin boys of Charlie Sheen and his ex-wife, Brooke Mueller, have been taken from their mother’s custody and put into the toned, yet gentle arms of Denise Richards. I hate to say Denise is “winning”...
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Amanda Knox Has a Boyfriend and I Don’t…
…now, let’s find out the “why” of it… Tuesday night I live tweeted CNN’s Chris Cuomo interview with Amanda Knox. Here’s what ensued: Still true. Cuoms was being really uncool. “WELL THE THEORY IS THAT...
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